IGNORE THIS

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The Long Walk to Freedom

So apparently Nelson Mandela had some kind of "journey" or something. I'm told it was a big deal and while it was a huge lus, he stuck with it and eventually got what he wanted. But enough about freedom, it's totally over-rated. The Spanner's journey to the UCT Internal League Semi-Finals has been one that no one could've predicted. In the 2007 season the Spanners finished in 16th place, i.e. dead last after they were forced to forfeit the last game against Ikhaya due to a lack of players.

After losing against an amazing Ubumbo side, the Spanners doubted whether their dream of a semi-final could come true. But we all looked in the eyes of Chase Hyde, the Spanner's Down syndrome cheerleader, who's dream was to see the Spanners in the semis. This fictional scenario gave the Spanners the determination to secure their place in the semis by beating the Wlid Boys 9-7. While the home side didn't managed to score a try, their disciplined defense allowed for only one Wild try.

So although we lost some matches along the way, we seemed win the ones that really counted. Some will call it luck, others may call it team play while the rest of the Internal League have an opinion which we don't care about. And so the Spanners are now guaranteed a top 4 finish in the 2008 season. On the 17th September at 18:30 they will face the Cobras for the second time this season. Which ever way the match goes, it is sure to be one filled with plenty of gees and probably a wayward arm or two. But that's part of the fun...

I really can't believe we have made the semi-finals... I'm actually nursing a semi just thinking about it. But enough of that, enjoy this piece of shit collage that I constructed:


Let's go fuck them up. Yeah.

P.S.
What is wrong with you people?
Seriously, what the fuck? 80% of you got it wrong. The correct answer to that poll was Sandra Bullock. Penelope Cruz is one of the most over rated women to ever exist. You may not know this, but she can't even speak English. Good luck, Mexicans.

Spanners vs Ubumbo Pre-match Report

With only three weeks until the Spanners face Ubumbo, the tools need to consolidate. This match will prove to be very important as it determines who we play in the semi-final. The team who places first in pool A will play 4th place team in pool B, second place in pool A will play third place in pool B. So, if we beat Ubumbo with a bonus point and the Cobras score no points, then we will finish second in our pool which means we play 3rd place in pool B. However, if I'm wrong, which is unlikely, then just blame Chase-Face.

Anyway, enough of the math. Lets try predict who will win...

SPANNERS vs UBUMBO

Names:
Spanners - This conjures up images of strength and brawn. It sounds like a cold-blooded team.
Ubumbo - I have no idea what this means; I don't speak Zulu.
Advantage - Spanners


Vowel-To-Consonant Ratio:
Spanners - 33%
Ubumbo - 50%
Advantage - Ubumbo


Curative Ability:
Does either team cure kwashiorkor, rickets or AIDS?

Spanners - possibly kwashiorkor and probably AIDS (Chase's god-father is a theatrical)
Ubumbo - possibly kwashiorkor, but may cause AIDS
Advantage - Spanners


Google Fights:

Spanners get all the babes - 158,000 results
Ubumbo get all the babes - 6 results

Spanners are immune to STDs - 2,410 results
Ubumbo are immune to STDs - Zero results (oh dear)

Spanners have a chance with the Olsen Twins - 35,300 results (plus 12 scholarly articles)
Ubumbo have a chance with the Olsen Twins - Zero results
Spanners win 3-0


Virtual Coin Toss - Best of 5:
Using the "random" coin toss generator at Random.org
Spanners take heads, Ubumbo on tails.

Results: H, T, T, H, T
Advantage - Ubumbo


Ice Cream Flavour:
Would you eat ice cream that was:
Spanner flavour - No, I quite like not having heavy metal syndrome.
Ubumbo flavour - No, I'd rather not. Now fuck off.
Advantage - Tie


SPANNERS WIN 3-2.


So there you have it. However, we need to work hard if we want this to reflect in reality (and not on my laptop). So we ask (forcefully) all Spanners to be at the following practices:

Wednesday 23rd July @ 16:00 on UCT main fields
Wednesday 30th July @ 16:00 on UCT main fields
Sunday 3rd August @ 14:00 on UCT main fields

Having practices on a Wednesday means most people should be able to be there. Let us know if you have a better idea (unlikely). There will also be some less formal touch sessions leading up to the Ubumbo match...

Now for the closing note. Cobras have "Oh so brave"... Nadoes have "U cha cha"... and now the Spanners have their own:


Let's go fuck them up. Yeah.

Spanners have beat, the Nadoes

Just so you know, we downloaded "beat" which is the fourth single released by Japanese pop singer Kaela Kimura, so if you want a copy just ask one of the Spanners because we have it. In completely and utterly unrelated sequence of thought, the Spanners played the Nadoes on this past rainy Wednesday night. Predicted to be the toughest game of the season, the result was nothing to look down upon. Once the final whistle was blown, the not-scoreboard read 10-5 to the Nadoes which resulted in the Spanners earning an important bonus point.

Turns out the Tornadoes were not a hugely destructive force capable of devastating entire populations as they continuously claim. Rather, the net effect of the Tornadoes would be more appropriately compared to something generated by a manually-powered food processor, such as the Twista by Verimark. If you ever missed a day of school, you would have witnessed Isabel Jones selling this piece of shit on m-net with the help of that horrifically obnoxious, and impotent, Chef Keith. Anyway, the point is that the score was predicted to resemble something from an NBA match, but was denied through some determination by the Spanners.

After finding a referee, the match was underway and the Spanners got off to a hesitant start as a syndrome commonly referred to as "I have no idea what to expect from our opposition" materialised. To be honest, I often don't remember much from matches (which is why I write so much shit), but we seemed to be coping against the Nadoes. This said, the first twenty minutes were the most tiring moments of my entire life. I believe this could be said for several players from both sides as at one point the rugby field mimicked scenes from the Vietnam War with bodies lying lifelessly in the mud. The Nadoes were 10-0 up before Captain Morgan scored a try for the Spanners thanks to some awesome multiphase work by many a spanner.

One aspect where we could improve, especially against these top teams, is structured line defense. It's all very well telling the wings to inform the rest of the backline about overlaps, but that means nothing if the entire backline doesn't commit. The way I see it, as a wing loosing his voice, it's all about liability. The second centre won't shift if it means that a gap is created between him and the first centre, otherwise he will be blamed for a line-break. This effect continues all the way to the flyhalf. That said, I am not saying they are wrong for doing that, quite the opposite.

I propose we practice some channel rugby (like 7's) with the whole team. If the flyhalf is able to fully trust his loose forwards in tackling anything that comes between him and the forwards pack, then the entire backline will confidently shift over, thus negating any overlaps. Think of it as foosball - they stay in their own channels. Now, I am not suggesting we impale our players with enormous iron rods or drive giant screws through our chests, we just need to engage in a more structured channel defense vibe thing.

You may have noticed that our website was recently hacked by someone. More oddly, the perpetrators left their mark by inserting a rather odd video that features Number 21. Since then, we have learnt that this hack was performed by the notorious "28 gang" who are, according to Nicci, synonymous with homosexual sodomy. At this time, we are not sure if this video was filmed under the duress of the 28 gang or if they had some other role in the making of this perturbing footage. Probably the most troubling is the choice of music which critics would argue should have featured something more upbeat, perhaps a little number such as "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon would have been a bit more appropriate. Personally, if I frolic naked around in my room to the lasted Nelly Furtado tune, I make sure there are no cameras around (besides of course the one my step-dad prohibits me from removing).

SPOTTED!
This week we obtained a sneaky photo of 101kg guy (formerly known as 108kg guy) at the SEXPO, clearly eyeing out a dildo or two. "Spotted" is actually something the Nadoes do, which is to be expected from a huge organisation like theirs (they have AGM's for fucks sake). It's all very well having a closely knit sports club, but after all you're just exactly that, a sports club, not a social movement. You may have the biggest following, but take that a step further and before you know it, you'll be ingesting cyanide moments before your cult-style suicide is complete - just like Heaven's Gate. Those mentals believed that mass suicide would allow their souls to board a spaceship which they believed to be hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet. Not kidding. It's on Wikipedia

So that's that. We're halfway through the 2008 season. Spanners are in the Cup Competition and may even make the quarter finals if we beat Ubumbo next term (with a bonus point). When I realised that, I was filled with emotions that I just didn't understand. I am not going to go into details, but basically I needed to remain seated for a moment and imagine awful thoughts of Kelly Osbourne naked.

Next match is against Ubumbo on the 6th August, but we'll be keeping active 'til then. Good luck with your exams... although they don't actually matter; if you fail them, you can always just play UCT Internal League for the rest of your life - the Nadoes do it.

You've been hacked!

// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNCCvZB5wLg //

// http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNCCvZB5wLg //

Spanners vs. Cobras

The Spanners were 17-12 up by halftime. The End. Well not quite; the Cobras did run through three unanswered tries in the second half. But bear in mind that the Spanners finished 16th during the 2007 season, while the Cobras placed 2nd. Now although we have come a long way this season, a win against the Cobras would amount to an enormous transformation; comparable to Danny Bonaduce not being regarded as a douche, or Celine Dion topping the charts again.

If you look closely, half our back line played for the U19 6th team. After finishing our little games on a Saturday morning, we would make our way over to the Piley to watch our superiors play, i.e. the Cobras. If this wasn't bad enough, I would then be hounded by an injured Justin Bijl ordering me to do a tuckshop run for him. My voice fluttered as I tried to explain that I was in fact not a newboy, but also in matric. Do you want me to tick your name off the rolecall, newboy? Yes, Mr Bijl. Sorry Sir.

My childhood was not filled with rugby clinics, or any recreational activity for that matter. My father would never have a quick game of passing the rugby ball. In fact he never acknowledged my presence at all. Another element is the fact that I have never worn a baseball cap or collared shirt to gym. These all form the collective damming factor in my rugby career. Notice the lack of words such as "skill" or "ability" in the certificate that was awarded to the Spanner's number 11.

Referee: An independent expert charged with enforcing the rules of the game. Unfortunately this was not the case on Wednesday night. Not to say that he was biased, just shit with the innate urge to yellow card anyone and everyone, even threatening yours truly. He had the stubborn qualities of say, Kenny Williams, but with the thought patterns of Aileen Wuornos after being deprived of her lithium. Now when I tried to gain a photo of KJW off the Internet, I got absolutely nothing. So I took the liberty of creating Kenny's very own Wikipedia article: check it out. [Update: It is with regret that I inform you to the fact that Wikipedia deleted Kenny Williams from their website citing that "Real person; doesn't indicate importance/significance". Fortunately, I calcified the article so you can view the original by clicking here.]

I hope you appreciate that photo, because it took ages to locate, eventually turning up in the June 2004 magazine. If I were trying to find a photo of say, Patrick Kint, well that would be simple as his mug shot is in nearly every fucking magazine post 2005. I want my laptop back. Anyways, the point is that the ref was shit and stole some of the enjoyment from what was a gees-filled match.

I feel that bleeding during a rugby match is tangible evidence of gees. In my glory days, I would more often than not be spilling blood like a cocaine snorting hemophiliac on the 30th day. That photo is of my hand after the match against the Panthers. More recently, our try scorer on Wednesday night left the field not only bleeding, but also with a broken nose due to a wayward elbow. Some good ol' fashioned rugby.

Unfortunately, we were denied a bonus point which would have come in handy in the coming weeks as both the loosing teams from group B (Panthers & Barbarians) managed to claim 1 point for their efforts. Next week will see us running on the field against the Nadoes. Predominantly a Bosch oldboys team, they took first place in last years competition. So come support your local tools on Wednesday 21st May at 19:30 on field B.

Apologies for the underlying Bishops theme, but we did play the Cobras after all. How was that 75th minute try by the Stormers? Fuck I love rugby. Soccer on the otherhand...

Spanner In The Works

Like our french counterparts who caused mayhem by throwing their sabots into heavy machinery, we too have been causing quite a stir of late. Well actually, we're nothing like those gender-ambiguous fags. I mean really, who the fuck decided to wear shoes made of wood? Anyway, the point is that the Spanners have put last year behind them and managed to secure yet another win. This time it was Marquard who fell victim to the Spanners.

This was a very important win for us. It means we finish 2nd in our pool thus securing a place in the Cup Competition, but more importantly, it awards us priceless street cred amongst the middle and lower campus residentials. Beating Kopano and Marquard gives us "ownership" of Tugwell, Grace Machel and Baxter Hall. Now if you possess a stalker rating of 2.0 or above, then you'll know that ownership of Baxter Hall is something worth keeping. Holla Baxter!

Spanners put the first seven points on the board with the help of Richard, or Man-Bear-Horse as he is more commonly known. Half man, half bear-horse; he certainly would give Al Gore a run for his money. MBH slotted into the number thirteen position incredibly well and his crash-balls simply could not be stopped. Twice during the game he ran beyond the white line, securing both our tries. A converted penalty during the game brought the final score to 15-5.

As I mentioned earlier, the Spanners have secured 2nd position in round one which means a position in the Cup Competition. The league of sixteen teams has been broken into two smaller leagues of eight each; top half fight for the Cup, while the lower eight teams play for the Plate. While this is an awesome feat, it does come with some baggage in the form of aches and pains. This is because we have been drawn against the Nadoes, Cobras and Ubumbo. If this means nothing to you, then understand that they came first, second and third overall last year, respectively. For this reason, I did some research and discovered our holy grail...

That is Danie Gerber. He played outside centre for the Boks from 1980 to 1992 and was amazing. Strong as an ox, fast as a gazelle and possessed a sidestep that could even beat Bono's aura of obnoxiousness. Just take a look at this video. Real swell, huh? If we are to show those aforementioned teams a thing or two, then we are going to have to bulk up and become more like Danie Gerber. With only a week until we face the Cobras, it all seems a bit out of reach. But last night, I had an epiphany...

We need to eat Danie Gerber. I know what you're thinking - I too thought it was an impossibility, not to mention illegal and inhumane. But leave it up to our Polish friends to come up with a solution...

It turns out that they have been putting Danie Gerber in a blender for years now. The only difference is that they feed mashed up Danie to their babies (which would explain all things Szymon). For this reason, I have ordered a consignment of processed Danie Gerber for the Spanners to feed upon.

So our next game is on 14th May against the Cobras on field B at 18:30. After last weeks lack of scantily cladness from the cheerleaders, I have been assured that this week will be quite the opposite. Otherwise I know of a very nice man living in Austria who would gladly welcome them into his humble abode.

Here are some tidbits to keep you informed:

Round One Results: 9th April | 16th April | 23rd April | 30th April
Current Log after Round One

Round Two Pools
Round Two Match Fixtures: 14th May | 21st May | 6th August | 13th August

[Oh, and listen to this]