The times, they are a-changin'

Ron Burgundy had never heard that song. However, Bob Dylan was indeed correct when he sat down almost five decades ago and predicted the prospects of Spanners rugby. Just to put things in perspective, the last time the Spanners won a game; the colour television had only just been invented, Adolf Hitler had just begun writing his fun-filled novel entitled "Mein Kampf", investors still had Black Thursday to look forward to, and finally, a perverted sexual predator by the name of Sigmund Freud was actually taken seriously. Yes, it was the roaring twenties.

Wednesday night saw the Spanners run on the field against a motivated Kopano side. The opening try of the match was scored by Nixie "Nick" Vanlierde and saw the Spanners seven points up. Alas, instead of building on this momentum the game turned away from the Spanners. Flimsy handling and some less than inspired rucking removed any chance of a bonus point. The phenomenon known as "too many subs" was then responsible for compromising our defensive play. This allowed Kopano to score a try from the halfway line.

As infomercial queen Isabel Jones would say, "but there's more". However, since she has recently kicked the bucket, I shall assume the position of a morbidly obese lezza and expand on the Kopano try. The fact that they broke the line at the halfway line is understandable. At that moment, an array of subs had just entered the field which often leads to communication break-downs, especially since most of the back line subs had never played together. The worry is the lack of subsequent tackling and cross-cover defense, particularly from the substituted left winger who, in my opinion, should have stopped the try. Which leads me onto the newest edition to the family...

The 79 Award
In an attempt to rid the Spanners of any missed tackles, I came up with this award. Personally, if I miss a tackle in a game, I go home and immediately search for anything that is remotely sharp and proceed to cut myself. Down the highways - not across the road. However, it is possible that some feel less inclined to these acts. So I personified a form of "failed masculinity" to award anyone who not only misses a tackle, but does so in order to avoid breaking their recently manicured nails. Meet the 79 award. This week shall involve a more tacit announcement as to the winner of the 79er. This will not only save a few tears but will strengthen the selection, as your opinions confirm my ideologies.

This award will also be extended to the important and testosterone filled act of rucking. This was another very weak aspect of the game and needs urgent attention. Properly executed rucking is one of the most masculine activities out there, short of watching lesbian porn while drinking a 40oz beer (alcoholic beer that is). Fortunately, I have managed to attain a drawing by Rudolph Straeuli which was crafted at Kamp Staaldraad. This diagram clearly illustrates the correct and incorrect (i.e. gay) forms of rucking.

You may be wondering about the negative statements concerning just a simple game. Well firstly, rugby is not simply a game you fucking faggot. Secondly, it is because we really have so much potential to play far better. From this day forward, we shall be committing ourselves to a more structured approach which will begin with a squad chosen at practice. Of course subs are very important, but the subs will be defined a set position and train with their immediate partners in an attempt to improve defensive communication and allow for drastically improved offensive play.

Some more awards:
• Bipolar award - Steve-O for trying to be both a flank and number 14
• PowerThirst award - Everyone who drank the karate-juice at halftime
• 108kg award - The 108kg guy for weighing one hundred and eight kilograms
• James Dalton award - Shared between the Captain Morgan guy and Heidi's boyfriend for their fist throwing inclinations

The Spanners managed to convert a penalty somewhere during the game, bringing to the final score to 10-5.

Come support the Spanners on the 30th April at 18:30 for our match against Marquard. I recently heard through the grape vine that several young Spanner lasses with a scantily clad disposition will be cheering the lads on to victory, or for at least as long as the chains prevent them from leaving.

A spanner in the hand is worth two in a panther

I have no idea what that means, but it does sound interesting. That's a real quote, figuratively, and ties in nicely with our first match of the 2008 season against the Panthers which saw us win the game (or at least the first half). With a surprisingly large match squad and with the help of Shumanga scoring the first try only minutes after kickoff, the Spanners lead the first half 8-5.The impressive defense slipped slightly in the second half resulting in the Panthers ending up on top after full time. According to the official website, the final score was 17-8 to the Panthers.

Although there were many positives to take away from the opening match, especially the early defence (although this may be due to the 17 Spanners on field occasionally), it seemed the Panthers were far from their usual form. But enough of the match analysis. It's pretty obvious I'm not a sports journalist so lets get on to some more important matters:

• Man of the match - Szymon Shumanga for the power try
• Douchebag of the match - Szymon Shumanga for shouting during the conversion
• James Dalton Award - Chase Steve-O Hyde for jabbing eyes and fisty cuffing
• Tall Guy Award - Ali Glass for just being really tall in general

All in all, the game was enjoyed by all, especially the ref who seemed to have smoked copious amounts of tik before stumbling on to the pitch. I'm not saying he was bias in any way; I'm only pointing out that if you do that much crystal meth at that age, it's going to have some effect your senile mind. Old people aside, the support for the Spanners actually proved to be a positive integer which is very promising for the rest of the season. That said, a few fans (using that term very loosely) seemed to be fairly cold sitting on the green mile. One little fella had clearly avoided some pretty advantageous aspects of evolution and was forced to bring a blanket. Which leads me onto my next point...


Black Horse Vodka will now accompany all our matches and is there to reward supporters and players. Anyone wanting to party after the game is more than welcome - provided that you have breasts. However, any supporters of the male variety will be reluctantly welcomed. We are trying to get an acceptable quantity of vodka for everyone without breaking the bank.

Enter SLD... the Cape Town based liquor manufacturer who produces Black Horse Vodka amongst other products. It was thanks to them that my night in Stellenbosch was enjoyable even though the Maties managed to steal the FNB Varsity Cup from UCT. The ability to easily drink the vodka straight up should raise the comradery of the Spanners' supporters. If we manage to arrange a few bottles per game from SLD, then we'll be able to purchase some mixers to go with it. Now although I believe sex on the beach is obtained with some rohypnol or a chloroform-soaked rag, bar tenders will argue that it involves some vodka, passion fruit, orange- and cranberry juice.


Come support the Spanners on the 23rd April at 18:30 for our match against Kopano... there'll be vodka.

Make Sure You Have Energy

Selfproclaimed nutritionist, Szymon Schumanga Marszalek, has stumpled upon a documentary about energy drinks and he suggests that you watch it - right now.

If you found that helpful, then check out Part 2. If however you thought that was kind of lame, then you'll probably find this a bit more to your liking.

Week One - 9th April

First match of the season is against The Panthers, the strongest team in pool Y. Kick off is at 19:30 on field C; any supporters will receive a high-five.

UCT Rugby Internal League 2008 Pools

The Panthers managed to place 4th in the 2007 season and are our toughest opposition in Pool Y. The Marquards are also a top side and batteled for the Plate (5th) but lost to the Wildboys in the playoff. As for Kopano, they were awarded the Spoon (15th) after they defeated a malnutritioned Spanners side.