The times, they are a-changin'

Ron Burgundy had never heard that song. However, Bob Dylan was indeed correct when he sat down almost five decades ago and predicted the prospects of Spanners rugby. Just to put things in perspective, the last time the Spanners won a game; the colour television had only just been invented, Adolf Hitler had just begun writing his fun-filled novel entitled "Mein Kampf", investors still had Black Thursday to look forward to, and finally, a perverted sexual predator by the name of Sigmund Freud was actually taken seriously. Yes, it was the roaring twenties.

Wednesday night saw the Spanners run on the field against a motivated Kopano side. The opening try of the match was scored by Nixie "Nick" Vanlierde and saw the Spanners seven points up. Alas, instead of building on this momentum the game turned away from the Spanners. Flimsy handling and some less than inspired rucking removed any chance of a bonus point. The phenomenon known as "too many subs" was then responsible for compromising our defensive play. This allowed Kopano to score a try from the halfway line.

As infomercial queen Isabel Jones would say, "but there's more". However, since she has recently kicked the bucket, I shall assume the position of a morbidly obese lezza and expand on the Kopano try. The fact that they broke the line at the halfway line is understandable. At that moment, an array of subs had just entered the field which often leads to communication break-downs, especially since most of the back line subs had never played together. The worry is the lack of subsequent tackling and cross-cover defense, particularly from the substituted left winger who, in my opinion, should have stopped the try. Which leads me onto the newest edition to the family...

The 79 Award
In an attempt to rid the Spanners of any missed tackles, I came up with this award. Personally, if I miss a tackle in a game, I go home and immediately search for anything that is remotely sharp and proceed to cut myself. Down the highways - not across the road. However, it is possible that some feel less inclined to these acts. So I personified a form of "failed masculinity" to award anyone who not only misses a tackle, but does so in order to avoid breaking their recently manicured nails. Meet the 79 award. This week shall involve a more tacit announcement as to the winner of the 79er. This will not only save a few tears but will strengthen the selection, as your opinions confirm my ideologies.

This award will also be extended to the important and testosterone filled act of rucking. This was another very weak aspect of the game and needs urgent attention. Properly executed rucking is one of the most masculine activities out there, short of watching lesbian porn while drinking a 40oz beer (alcoholic beer that is). Fortunately, I have managed to attain a drawing by Rudolph Straeuli which was crafted at Kamp Staaldraad. This diagram clearly illustrates the correct and incorrect (i.e. gay) forms of rucking.

You may be wondering about the negative statements concerning just a simple game. Well firstly, rugby is not simply a game you fucking faggot. Secondly, it is because we really have so much potential to play far better. From this day forward, we shall be committing ourselves to a more structured approach which will begin with a squad chosen at practice. Of course subs are very important, but the subs will be defined a set position and train with their immediate partners in an attempt to improve defensive communication and allow for drastically improved offensive play.

Some more awards:
• Bipolar award - Steve-O for trying to be both a flank and number 14
• PowerThirst award - Everyone who drank the karate-juice at halftime
• 108kg award - The 108kg guy for weighing one hundred and eight kilograms
• James Dalton award - Shared between the Captain Morgan guy and Heidi's boyfriend for their fist throwing inclinations

The Spanners managed to convert a penalty somewhere during the game, bringing to the final score to 10-5.

Come support the Spanners on the 30th April at 18:30 for our match against Marquard. I recently heard through the grape vine that several young Spanner lasses with a scantily clad disposition will be cheering the lads on to victory, or for at least as long as the chains prevent them from leaving.